Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”