my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My dream car is a taco truck.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich