Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.