Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna be friends with this person

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

#DesignFail

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

[montage of me giving-up]

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Previously On Persistence 😎

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”