Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Are we there yet?…

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.