My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
WHO DID THIS?
Monday
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
How wrong was this guy?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.