My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Genius idea!!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.