Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

😎 🍻

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no