My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
🤔😂😂
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
his wife is probably gonna see that
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed