Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.