Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

*puts my mental health in rice

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.