My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
😾
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one