My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.