My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
RT if you could go either way.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
