My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
no exceptions
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
new career option?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor