Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Webb. James Webb.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

boat question