Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Thrilling chase underway

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes