My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Bit chilly again tonight.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Europe. Made in Germany.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”