My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
#Caturday
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol