My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

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[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.


There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.


It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.


[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm


Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?