my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.