my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
