my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious