Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

that’s really how it is

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.