“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless