“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.