“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Something Saturday.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *