Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.