Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I’m never leaving this app.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

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