Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.