I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!
An ice bucket challenge …
But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.