My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.

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I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.


[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.


Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird



Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series


“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”


After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!


An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.