My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.