My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My dog learned how to text
