My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen