Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

how long have you had this for?

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.