My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You Might Also Like
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?