Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute