My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters