My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Netflix: We have Less
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.