My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
scrabbled eggs
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.