My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Baller is short for ballerina
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
