My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!