My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Wait a minute
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page