Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

It will always be this

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.