My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.