My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET