My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Our lord and savoury.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*limbos away from your hug*