My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
this has to be peak English
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*