my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Look, a pure bread cat!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
work smarter, not harder
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I just tested negative for patience.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Dammit Chief not again
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths