Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard