My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.