My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
life lately
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.