My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.