My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.