My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The news in a nutshell.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
God, I love Scotland
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
i want to work in this restaurant
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.