My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Very problematic
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
can’t bark with your mouth full
smh
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.