Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Howl 😭

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.