My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Time heals everything 🙂
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I drew y’all a little something.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.