Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

😭😭😭

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

and this one

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

My five year plan is a meteorite

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid