My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Cat is stressing him out.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?