Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.