Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.