My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”