My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
No chill.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”