my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying