my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
You Might Also Like
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me as a therapist: omg same
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.