my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.