my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I love it all
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.