My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I stand by it
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
