My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Me when someone tries to get to know me
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.