My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
What a kind woman! 😂😂
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*