My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
This meal prepping shit is easy
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Milk Cube
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️