Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

Yup.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

How animals would run if they were human

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know