My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Stop sending me this shit.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease