My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Great Canadian literature.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
new dr. seuss book dropping:
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.