My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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Animal poetry
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again