Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous