Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Ugh

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly