My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Expect the unexporcupine.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.