My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that