My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I hope google does well on my son’s test
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.