My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
my proudest tweet
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale